The Key to the Magic-Sauce In Coupleships

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by Jami and Marla Keller
 
There are so many key factors that make us individuals, probably billions the way scientific research is heading(!). And when it comes to a romance that combines perfectly the sexual and the emotional, there is a crashing together of two individuals and all their stuff. Isn’t it crazy that we bring so much into our relationships? We. Don’t. Even. Know. What??? You read that right…as a human you are made up of the DNA of your parents (and new science is telling us that we actually are infused with the trauma of our ancestor’s DNA at conception, not even just our PARENT’S crap, but our ANCESTOR’S crap as well? yay…)
 
Suddenly, as you might imagine, the bedroom is cramped. So many issues are literally flying all around you both, and your coupleship begins to feel overwhelming. Turns out that we find a best friend and lover who is within twelve points of our I.Q. (Check this out…) and who has a matching emotional issue. Not the same issue, but trigger-points that you are familiar with and that you tend to attract from others, and trigger in others, because your brain also has the amazing ability to heal these painful places inside of your relationship with your partner. This is the person you have chosen for the very reason that you can heal together. How cool is that? Unfortunately, at least 48% of people decide these issues and trigger-points are too painful, and they don’t seek the accountability, coaching and mentorship needed to journey together through the pain and come out on the other side more passionate, compassionate and connected to each other.
 
Do not despair. There is hope. The crowded bedroom can be simplified when the right Relationship Technology is applied with consistency.
 
First, let’s take a look at the balance of emotional and sexual energy. In the beginning, when a relationship is new, the entire brain is activated in the area of “pleasure” when you bond in love. This is oxytocin, the hormone of connection, bonding and trust at work. It quite literally bonds you to that person and their stimulated hormone levels.
 
This changes our core values of what coupleships look like. And it invests us in the larger dynamic of community, family and deeper connection.
 
Reproducing has this great ritual around it. Sex is literally the flooding of receptors with a mix of oxytocin, adrenaline, and several other spicy little ingredients. The adrenaline can’t get to be too high or a whole new level of “CRAZY,” yes the all caps “CRAZY,” inside of your relationship can have it’s own addictive cycle (yet another blog topic coming soon, and here’s an anonymous blog about this from one of our past clients).
 
What has to happen to maintain that best sex of your life every month of your life with the same partner until well over a hundred years old? Glad you asked.
 
The age-old myth is that coupleships have up to 3 years of connection and passion, and then that “newness” wears thin, and a more settled love takes it’s place. Hold on to your seats, because Jami and I absolutely disagree with this assertion. Why? Because we have only had our interest for each other, our love, our connection and our passion increase exponentially over time, and it hasn’t stopped increasing. And what we know is that the sexual-emotional loop has to have balance. When the emotional cup is filled to overflowing, the sexual connection is supported for the absolute best results.
 
This requires three basic disciplines that really need to be practiced daily. Here they are:

  1. Prayer, meditation or journaling. Whatever you want to call “warming up your brain.” It turns out that the journal process we use at Passion Provokers uses the best known science that includes the components necessary to activate your brain, and this can also be guided via audio. Even if you have never practiced journaling or meditating before, or have tried and “fell out” of the habit, we can help you reconnect to this incredibly empowering and healing process. It’s not all about “ommmmmmmm,” we promise!
  2. Be present to your feelings and express them healthfully. This is accomplished in our twelve-week process using tools to unlock your core values, and then we offer you the path to walking towards your feelings in every area of life, instead of choosing to run away screaming as if you’re being chased by a very large grizzly bear.
  3. And finally, share your deepest feelings and desires with your partner. You can will learn to share your deepest feelings and desires with your partner in a shame-free connection that develops a flow of love between the two of you that really is unstoppable that doesn’t have to be shrouded in fear. Did you know that oxytocin receptors continue to grow and multiply forever? There is no stopping point, until maybe when you stop breathing…

 
Only three daily choices (and if you read Brene Brown’s newest book, Rising Strong, you will see her research endorses everything that we teach). By finding your value, worth and empowerment and by feeling and expressing your feelings healthfully, nearly all past trauma can heal (and “trauma” is a scary word that can mean something as simple as a sibling being born and you feeling replaced and traumatized by a seemingly happy event). This healing journey gives us meaning and the deep understanding that all pain comes with a silver lining that can only be seen when we convert our pain into better boundaries. Oh yeah, this is a great blog on Boundaries, and a new blog on Healthy Attachment will be coming soon!
 
We promise that when these tools are practiced daily it is natural and easy to take your partner of nearly thirty years by both hands, look them deeply into their beautiful big, blue eyes and achieve a connection that is as fresh as the first magical kiss. The magic-sauce never has to fade!

P.S. Check out what’s happening with the coaching documentary, LEAP. Jami and I are part of the top 1% of coaches worldwide that are featured in this outstanding documentary directed by the world-renowned Betsy Chasse (who also created, directed and produced the wildly popular documentary What the Bleep Do We Know?). #coachingmovie #leapthedocumentary #leapcoachingdocumentary


​Why it is time to get your coupleship coached!

by Jami and Marla Keller

​​You have probably heard about how DNA effects the quality of your relationships, and that the newest science shows that we have relationship pain from our ancestors that has been passed down in our very own DNA. What the…???! Yes, the science of relationships has changed drastically in the past 10 years, but most couples are still operating from old habits, freeways of neurons in the brain that dictate how you will respond (or not) to your partner, and usually it’s not a very nice response (cold shoulder, anyone?). Or you are happy in your coupleship, and feel that you could definitely improve in your communication, your compassion, and your consistency.
 
According to multiple definitions online, as well from our own experience (we have been in counseling, Marla has her counseling degree, and we have a licensed counselor on our staff), professional counseling is where you get treatment for psychiatric issues. Coaching is where you go when you have a goal for your life, and that could be that you are looking to improve in relationships, in sports, in life, or in your profession. We know that coaching will take you from confused to fully trusting yourself and your journey, just like a football coach will direct his players in what plays to run and how to attain their desired outcome (more points!).

There are several definitions of coaching. I will spare you the time and energy it will take to read most of them, and will boil it down this one thing: “Coaching is the instruction and demonstration of skills for a client’s success and independence, applying foundational tools in appropriate variations when confronted with new challenges” (from the bylaws of our Coaching Board Certificate from The Invite Inc. Board of Coaching). Plainly and simply you want to choose a goal-directed model from a coach that knows about what they teach and lives it, and has demonstrated the ability over time to achieve success for themselves and their clients.
 
Jami and I are Co-founders of Passion Provokers  and we discovered coaching when we were working with court-mandated relationships in 1995. Since that time we have seen incredible success in our own lives from our coaches, and the clients we coach have consistently had incredible success. We have built an entire coaching system for relationships that will rock your socks off! We developed the Feeling Wheel 4.0 in 2000, a tool that is used in many clinical environments worldwide, from an old, black and white dittoed copy of an anonymous feeling wheel that had 1/2 of the feelings our wheel currently shows. Wow, our process has really grown and changed over time, like we have (thank goodness).
 
While practices vary according to each coach, Vince Lombardi is considered the father of all coaching because he reinvented how it was done, and did it with great success. He became less authoritarian than the traditional Drill Sargent that was the standard approach for most sporting coaches at the time. By seeing his players as equals he played a role that was leading from inside the team, and this allowed each team member to meet the community goals as a whole. He met with each person, and helped them develop their personal role. 
 
That is how we greet each client, and guide them through the barriers in their lives that are holding them back from epic relationships. We help each person find their own core values and strengths in order to meet their personal goals, or their coupleship goals, as well as making the impact on the communities they serve.
 
We have been using our incredible process in it’s current form for sixteen years, and have well over a 90% success rate for meeting our client’s goals, whatever those goals may be. That is because we take the coaching definition above seriously. If we are unable to Coach clients to lead their own success in life, coupleships, and work our job is not done. It is truly  humbling to be a part of so many people’s lives, and to watch positive transformation take hold of them. And we get to do this FULL TIME! We are truly lucky, blessed and grateful!