Chaos is something I have had a hard time admitting existed in my life. When I was first told that I had a chaos addiction, it was difficult for me to accept; I never saw myself as someone who participated in any kind of disorder or craziness.
In the last few years of my life, I have been fully aware I have been living in a dysfunctional marriage that thrived on chaos. However, I didn’t see myself as a participant in the crazy making. At least not to the degree I now know I was really involved in.
To me, I felt great shame when I realized that I wasn’t just a bystander to the chaos addiction. Our marriage had become so dysfunctional that the only way I knew how to live with my partner was in complete disorder and mayhem.
It became a sick addiction for me. I found that sometimes these were some of the few moments where I actually felt connected to my lover. Our relationship and marriage was most alive during these crazy and horrible moments. (tweet this)
I also found that these were the moments that I could get out all my built up anger. Our issues kept building up because we never resolved them in a healthy way.
I carried so much hurt, anger, and pain over the course of our couplship that I was constantly trying to get it out. It felt good to get mad at my partner. Our fights could be over the smallest things but it was always a relief to release my pain. The anger was misdirected many times. I so desperately wanted him to hear me. I so desperately wanted him to change.
Looking back I can also see that I was frightened. I saw what my life was becoming and I felt trapped. So angry that someone would treat me like the way he did. Scared that I would spend the rest of my life with a man who didn’t value me. I was afraid because I knew I could only do so much and take so much. In my heart, I knew that I couldn’t live my life like that forever, and the only answer to our problems would be divorce. Through the years, he made it very clear through his actions he didn’t want to change and would make no effort on his behalf.
This reality was frightening. I basically just couldn’t handle it anymore. I lost hold of myself and turned into someone that could easily slip into chaos. I felt like I had no voice. The only way I thought he could hear me was in these moments of chaos. I think a part of me thought maybe he’d get it if he saw me acting like that. Another part of me was just so mad and hurt I couldn’t control myself anymore. I lost myself completely.
Looking back on my life it’s been hard for me to pinpoint exactly when my chaos addiction started. When I was a younger girl my life was chaos free. There were issues, of course, but I was surrounded by people who knew how to communicate with each other. I always felt heard when I had a problem.
Even in my later years I still felt that way. I wasn’t addicted to chaos. My life was chaos free (for the most part). As discussed before, my life wasn’t problem free or heartache free by any means. I had some major issues in my life but I never turned to chaos to solve them. I surrounded myself with people who treated me with respect and love. All in all, I’d say I was a very good communicator and very blessed to have some wonderful role models in this department.
My chaos addiction started when I met my partner. He lived a very different life than me and had learned to communicate with people on a very different level than what I was used to.
I can still remember the first feelings I had when I experienced the side of him that thrived in chaos. I remember being so confused and so hurt. I had never been treated like that in my entire life. It was a very very scary feeling. I couldn’t understand how a person could act like that. These interactions started slowly but gradually, over time, became more frequent in our relationship.
I tried very hard to talk to him in a healthy way when we had problems. I gave it my all, but it didn’t seem to matter. Thinking about it now still brings up awful feelings. It was a nightmare.
Gradually I allowed the real “me” to be chipped away. I would get to the point of just being so frustrated that chaos became my best friend.
I wasn’t strong enough or healthy enough to say no to chaos. It became my new norm. Instead of fighting the chaos in my life I joined in and became a willing participant. (tweet this)
There were NO benefits from my chaos addiction. None. It only brought more pain, more anger, and more suffering. It felt good to express my anger towards my spouse, but those moments were fleeting. At the end of my outbursts I was only left with feelings of despair. I don’t ever want to live like that again. I don’t want to ever lose myself again. I can’t say that anything good EVER came out of my chaos addiction.
I’m now constantly reminding myself that I have this addiction. It’s so deeply rooted that I have to make an effort to catch myself when I’m going down that road. I have to teach myself to live without this chaos and break free.
The anonymous author’s realization on Chaos Addiction began when she started the Passion Provokers Process. If her story feels familiar, Passion Provokers can help guide you as well. Click here for your free consultation.