by Jami and Marla
Most couples aren’t doing well right now… The numbers are consistent worldwide and are not encouraging for marriages and long-term relationships. The increase in those filing for divorce is exponential (lawyers in China are seeing upwards of 300 new cases a day come across their desks) and it is tragic! Why? Because what we know beyond a shadow of a doubt–and our stats prove it–is that most coupleships are fixable and the impulse to break up a relationship longer than two years is unnecessary 97% of the time when a couple does the work together inside of our unique process.
Were you aware that according to the latest statistics more than half of people regret divorcing their partner?
“No way, really???” you may be saying. Yep!
While this number has decreased from a few years ago (several studies showed that 80% of divorced people regretted divorcing) what has been divulged to us is that this happens for one person in the relationship at a time. We call this the Key-Dagger: every couple has a key to their partner’s hearts and sadly also has access to the exact dagger to hurt them most. This Control/Abandonment Cycle is easy to see on our Feeling Wheel 5.0 in the three feelings on the top half of its center which are Abandonment, Fear, and Control.
What we see in the current climate of isolation is that you are exposed to a mirror of your crappiest behavior and that mirror is the eye-roll-instigating behavior of your partner. You don’t like how they are behaving because it happens to be your ugliest, too. The short version is that your partner not only may be using the dagger instead of the key for your heart, you also have to look at yourself harder in these times of social isolation. This is never easy, as coupleship does not get harder it just feels more dangerous the longer you are together.
What we know is that when the right tools are used (emotion identification/expression, empathy, and intentional listening) all of the daggers–the ughhhh–can be dealt with and turned into keys–the loveeee.
So, what now? First, watch out for these (totally fixable!) three issues:
Financial insecurity, pornography or other sexually explicit material use, and increased social media use. All three of these are dramatically on the rise right now as couples are sitting on the couch avoiding talking to each other about what really matters all the while seeking comfort elsewhere. Just because it’s easier and feels way better…at least in the moment.
The difficulty is that traditional marriage counseling actually increases the likelihood of divorce. True story. The statistics show that when a couple goes to counseling for their relationship EIGHTY PERCENT end up divorced! We actually have medical doctors that refer their patients to us because the docs have had several marriage counselors recommend divorce to their patients in the first marriage counseling session. This doesn’t have to be what the end looks like for you and your partner!
The financial cost of divorce is higher than can be measured but the average price tag is about $30,000 per couple in just the first months. Often these stats do not include the cost of two separate households.
The most profound cost that many do not consider is the years invested with the one you fell in love with (note: we are not talking about an abusive relationship–if you are being hurt emotionally and/or physically please seek assistance immediately). The years of life spent with a partner can never be retrieved. This unique person has contributed to your becomingness in signficant ways and it will be difficult to match this with a new partner. This is because of that old key-dagger. It turns out that you chose your love because of the key you hold to unlock your partner’s heart and teach you about yourself. And the painful reality is that if you don’t cherish yourself enough to have a better conversation you will lose that key. This. Is. Important. The cool thing is that here at JamiAndMarla.Love we often see significant results within just two or three sessions! This is because we coach/mentor as a team which is pretty unusual.
These are unprecedented times. The stress level in coupleships is higher than ever before and you don’t have to let it take your best dreams away from you. We have been helping other couples for over twenty-five years. We have done this by facing our own issues and practicing the tools… vigorously. Even so, we have had a few unusual fights over the last couple of weeks. Luckily, the tools we teach work really well and we are on it and all-in!
What to do right now???
The answer is to cherish yourself enough to have a better conversation. This means doing things that you have not done. It means making better agreements as you grow so that you can grow together instead of apart. It means getting honest (eventually when the right tools and agreements are in place) about your porn use, your busyness, your stubbornness, or who is making you feel good about yourself on social media or whatever other numbing-out technique you’re choosing at the moment. It means letting your feelings about finances and how your partner treats you be felt and known in humility and love. It means doing the hardest thing you’ll ever do and picking up that very heavy phone to call, text, email us right the frick NOW!
Marla and Jami
Cofounders of JamiAndMarla.LOVE (fka Passion Provokers and Keller Coaching) Jami and Marla are proud to bring a new level of success to coupleships worldwide with their unique coaching, mentoring, and consulting process. Their blogs are not only informative for coupleships they are personal. For over 25 years they have been helping people create emotionally and physically intimate coupleships.
Ariel is a freelance blogger, web designer, and SEO consultant. She is 23 years young, married to her soulmate, and a proud “mother” to boxer Bruce and Yorkie Dexter. She focuses on writing content that is raw and relatable. (Info relevant at the time of writing, circa 2013-2015)