Loneliness: The Relationship Trap
by Ariel Minter
I believe that many of us choose to be in a relationship purely from the fear of loneliness. If you cannot stand to be single or alone without someone there to be the big (or little) spoon, I would highly recommend getting out of whatever relationship it is you are in because of that loneliness, and I would also recommend practicing being alone with yourself. It is bleak and quite awful. But it is one of the only remedies I have found that actually will create a real form of inner peace.
One of my favorite quotes is from the the novel White Oleander by Janet Fitch. She writes:
“ Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want."
You see, I was that person. I was terrified of being alone. And so, for years, I chose to remain in the same relationship that was completely unfulfilling. It was haunting. I was depressed. And to be honest, I was even more alone than I would have been if I would have actually been alone.
I think we all crave the presence of someone who loves us. Or, at least goes through the motions of whatever love means to you (which can be extremely unhealthy). It is a natural biological need for people to want to be around other people. However, sometimes the lonely feeling isn’t because you need other people, it is because you can’t stand yourself. I may be getting a little dark on this post, but bare with me because there is light at the end of the tunnel.
So, after several failed attempts of leaving the relationship I spoke of earlier, I finally did it. I found it to be the most disturbing thing to think I was in a position of not being able to get out of something that was so empty. But I finally did. Immediately after, I started drinking heavier than I’d like to admit, and found myself putting on weight. I wasn’t sleeping well. And I was always busy.
Finally, I began to see how sloppy I had become and how sad I was. I started the forgiveness process my parents, Jami and Marla, teach their clients, and after 6 weeks of writing, I realized how much I had loathed myself.
For the first time in life I understood why I had always been co-dependent, insecure, and lonely. I immediately started sleeping better, having more energy, and just feeling healthy all over.
It was the hardest realization I have ever had, and only am I now in a place of peace.
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Marla and Jami
Cofounders of JamiAndMarla.LOVE (fka Passion Provokers and Keller Coaching) Jami and Marla are proud to bring a new level of success to coupleships worldwide with their unique coaching, mentoring, and consulting process. Their blogs are not only informative for coupleships they are personal. For over 25 years they have been helping people create emotionally and physically intimate coupleships.
Ariel is a freelance blogger, web designer, and SEO consultant. She is 23 years young, married to her soulmate, and a proud “mother” to boxer Bruce and Yorkie Dexter. She focuses on writing content that is raw and relatable. (Info relevant at the time of writing, circa 2013-2015)