There are so many key factors that make us individuals, probably billions the way scientific research is heading! And when it comes to a romance that combines perfectly the sexual and the emotional, there is a crashing together of two individuals and all their stuff. Isn’t it crazy that we bring so much into our relationships?
You. Don’t. Even. Know... What???
You read that right…as a human, you are made up of the DNA of your parents (and new science is telling us that we actually are infused with the trauma of our ancestor’s DNA at conception, not even just our PARENT’S crap, but our ANCESTOR’S crap as well? yayyyyy…)
Suddenly, as you might imagine, the bedroom is cramped. So many issues are literally flying all around you both, and your coupleship begins to feel overwhelming. Turns out that you find a best friend and lover who is within 5-20 points of your I.Q. (Check this out…) and who has a matching emotional issue. Not the same issue, but trigger-points that you are familiar with and that you tend to attract from others, and trigger in others, because your brain also has the amazing ability to heal these painful places inside of your relationship with your partner. This is the person you have chosen for the very reason that you can heal together.
How cool is that?
Unfortunately, statistics show that upwards of 82% of coupleships (first marriages and unmarried couples) decide these issues and trigger-points are too painful, and they don’t seek the accountability, coaching and mentorship needed to journey together through the pain and come out on the other side more passionate, compassionate and connected to each other.
Do not despair. There is hope. The crowded bedroom can be simplified with the right stuff. And here are three (of soooo many!) things you can start practicing today to help you consistently use the key to your partner’s heart:
Your coupleshp is worth it! I promise.
Only three daily choices (and if you read Brene Brown’s newest book, Rising Strong, you will see her research endorses everything that we teach). By finding your value, worth and empowerment and by feeling and expressing your feelings healthfully, nearly all past trauma can heal (and “trauma” is a scary word that can mean something as simple as a sibling being born and you feeling replaced and traumatized by a seemingly happy event). This healing journey gives us meaning and the deep understanding that all pain comes with a silver lining that can only be seen when we convert our pain into better boundaries. Oh yeah, this is a great blog on Boundaries, and a new blog on Healthy Attachment will be coming soon!
We promise that when these tools are practiced daily it is natural and easy to take your partner of nearly thirty years by both hands, look them deeply into their beautiful big, blue eyes and achieve a connection that is as fresh as the first magical kiss. The magic-sauce never has to fade.
First, let’s take a look at the balance of emotional and sexual energy. In the beginning, when a relationship is new, the entire brain is activated in the area of “pleasure” when you bond in love. This is oxytocin, the hormone of connection, bonding and trust at work. It quite literally bonds you to that person and their stimulated hormone levels.
This changes our core values of what coupleships look like. And it invests us in the larger dynamic of community, family and deeper connection.
Reproducing has this great ritual around it. Sex is literally the flooding of receptors with a mix of oxytocin, dopamine, and several other spicy little ingredients. The adrenaline can’t be allowed into the mix or a whole new level of “CRAZY,” yes the all caps “CRAZY,” inside of your relationship can have it’s own addictive cycle (yet another blog topic coming soon, and here’s an anonymous blog about this from one of our past clients).
What has to happen to maintain that best sex of your life every month of your life with the same partner until well over a hundred years old? Glad you asked.
The age-old myth is that coupleships have up to 3 years of connection and passion, and then that “newness” wears thin, and a more settled love takes its place. Hold on to your seats, because Jami and I absolutely disagree with this assertion. Why? Because we have only had our interest for each other, our love, our connection and our passion increase exponentially over time, and it hasn’t stopped increasing. And what we know is that the sexual-emotional loop has to have balance. When the emotional cup is filled to overflowing, the sexual connection is supported for the absolute best results.
Marla and Jami
Cofounders of JamiAndMarla.LOVE (fka Passion Provokers and Keller Coaching) Jami and Marla are proud to bring a new level of success to coupleships worldwide with their unique coaching, mentoring, and consulting process. Their blogs are not only informative for coupleships they are personal. For over 25 years they have been helping people create emotionally and physically intimate coupleships.
Ariel is a freelance blogger, web designer, and SEO consultant. She is 23 years young, married to her soulmate, and a proud “mother” to boxer Bruce and Yorkie Dexter. She focuses on writing content that is raw and relatable. (Info relevant at the time of writing, circa 2013-2015)