Shame: The Insidious Love-Killer

by Jami and Marla Keller, Cofounders and Relationship Experts

This week we need to start by talking about shame. Yes, this is a really different kind of conversation for some of us. (Jami) Men, we benefit from knowing what shame is so that we are able to deal with it in our hearts and minds and defeat anger which allows us to be open about it with those we love. Sidenote: Anger turned inward is depression and outward is rage. To be clear, rage is NOT a healthy way to express your anger and there is a definite difference in how it’s done. We need to step up and teach our children and our communities to deal with shame in love and kindness. (Don’t worry, men. It’s not all on you but it is so important for you to understand and acknowledge. Marla addresses women below..)

In her book Daring Greatly she goes on to say,

“When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies. When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation. When it comes to parenting, the practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosive—it turns parenting into a shame minefield. The real questions for parents should be: ‘Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?’ If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time.”

The truth is that I let my shame issues get in the way of my relationship with Marla in the ’90s, and recently I nearly lost it all. I thought I was above it. The truth is without a connected group of accountable and authentic men consistently in my life, I again let fear and isolation take me down an ugly road. It is so easy to believe the lie that if I share with even my best friends that I will lose something. Credibility? My career? My wife (a very real fear)? And maybe even my life? Yes, when we are accountable and connected in honest ways we only lose isolation, depression, fear, and hate. Sadly there is so much fear and hate coming from men these days and we must band together and find better ways! Please do not let the fear of being honest keep you down as I did. I got lucky and didn’t end up losing everything I love, especially the love of my life, Marla. She has stuck with me through thick and thin and I am forever grateful and a much better man because of her. 

(Marla) I am certainly not without my own shame web, and it has been a nasty, sticky web indeed. It was in 1995 that I  began to realize that I had been living a life based on my shame. Everything I said and did I carefully adjusted to make sure that I would not be disapproved of (can you relate, girlfriends?). My core shame created this belief in me that I was not enough, therefore I needed to perform, be perfect in all areas, and do it with such finesse that I would never be “found out” for the fraud I was. This was all very unconscious at the time, but as I began to embark on the journey of healing, I came face to face with my addictions. No, I was not addicted to drugs, alcohol, medications, sex, work or rage. I was addicted to approval. Ughh. I was addicted to perfectionism (creating the façade that everything around me was “perfect”). I was addicted to being right. More ugghhh. And I literally felt unsafe whenever I was wrong. These are the things I did to keep from being vulnerable; to keep from letting anyone know who I really was:

  • I kept my house spotless. You could have eaten off of the floors at any time, even though Kayla and Ariel were just little kiddos. My. House. Was. Perfect. If it wasn’t, I would break into crazy mode, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Following the girls and Jami picking up crumbs, toys, socks…You get the picture (and it’s certainly not a pretty one).
  • I was afraid of what people thought about me.
  • I dissociated. I checked out emotionally, but not as you might think. I checked out by being busy; by constantly thinking about the next thing on my calendar. Not. Even. Close to present.
  • I had a deep need for certainty. Translation: I was a control freak!
  • I constantly compared myself to others, especially my body. I had a love-hate relationship with my body, but mostly it was hate. “Never pretty enough” plagued me. 
  • Exhaustion was my status symbol. I was a fantastic martyr.
  • Productivity made me feel worthy, if but for a moment.
  • Anxiety and chaos were a lifestyle choice for me. Sometimes mine, but mostly everybody else’s anxiety and chaos. I had completely lost myself because my shame kept saying to me that I was unworthy unless I was the best wife, the best mother, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, etc., etc.
  • I was constantly “shoulding” on myself. “I should be thinner…I should be a better mom…I should have sex with my husband every day…I should never make a mistake…I should always look just right…I should always be in control…I should be cooler…” And on, and on, and on.

Ladies (and maybe most of you reading this) can you relate to any of these statements? If so, you are also struggling with your core shame. (And for those of you who can’t relate at all, you may need to read the definition of “denial” because, from what Brené Brown’s research says, we ALL have shame at our core. Men, as Jami mentioned above it may look a little differently for you. Something like “I should never be weak…I should always be strong…I should be a good provider…”) The cool, and hopeful, thing is that you can have healing and relief from this dangerous place. I have. I’m certainly not completely rid of my shame, but it continues to get better and better. I am more full of joy and peace today than anything else, but to be honest Jami’s struggle that he gives a nod to above just about killed me and sent me straight back to this core shame for a time. It was horrible, earthshattering, paradigm-shifting, heart-crushing and also allowed me another run at cleaning out this very deeply-seeded shame. For this I am grateful.

(Jami) Marla and I have developed the Feeling Wheel 5.0 to help all of us learn better strategies for relationships. Because…well…shame.

The core of the wheel has three feelings: Shame, Forgiveness, and Love. This is the center of all our conflicts. All our behaviors are related to how we deal with these three feelings. Think of Shame as the giant lie that you are not worthy of love. This is why Marla and I put Shame across from Love. It is because it is the only toxic feeling on the wheel, and it is, in fact, based on a lie; the lie when any person believes that they are a bad person. And because of the nature of Shame, it sticks to other feelings like Fear, Anger, Jealousy and even Peace (worry much?) and Joy (have sexual shame?). All feelings free from shame are healthy feelings. Feelings are raw information. Our brains are highly efficient at making connections with how events in our life make us feel. We then develop strategies and we repeat what gets us what we expect, which is not necessarily the best outcome.

Just outside the core of the wheel are six feelings that we reference as ”modes.” A mode is a pattern of behavior solidified to help us function and communicate. Think of it as an autopilot program that gets activated in certain situations, designed to protect your heart. Most often we don’t think much about doing these things, we just do them often without much conscious thought. These are often packages of behaviors that once served us well and helped us survive, but are now needing to be updated to serve us better.

The question this week is where does your life hurt? What do you avoid? Why? Can you find a pattern of your behavior that is contributing to the pain? Let’s talk about how we can help each other and get better results for our families and communities. Schedule your Free Discovery Session today HERE.

Three Tools for Creating and Fostering a Deeply Intimate Coupleship (Both Emotionally and Sexually)

by Jami and Marla Keller

After nearly twenty-five years of working with couples, there are three things that we have found to make the biggest difference in connection and long-term happiness. It turns out that neuroscience backs up these tools which we, crazy as it sounds, have 100% success with when each person does the work we prescribe. And guess what research finds is the most important attribute to foster a deeply intimate coupleship (both emotionally and sexually)? Emotional safety. And the three things we address below are the skills to create and keep this attribute in your coupleship for a lifetime. According to The Gottman Institute current research in neurobiology “shows that emotional safety is one of the most important aspects of a satisfying connection in a loving relationship. We need to feel safe before we’re able to be vulnerable, and as Brené Brown reminds us, ‘Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.’”

We all need to sharpen the tools we use to manage the tensions in our coupleships by connecting our hearts with our brains (and/or vice versa!). So what are the three things that you can do right now to train your brain and heart to turn towards your spouse, limit the negativity, and improve feelings of safety, connection, and undying love?

  1. Your Feelings Are Real and Only You Are Responsible for Taking Care of Them 

It seems ridiculously simple (it is simple, it’s just not always easy!), and when it is humbly addressed and you each take turns letting your partner’s feelings be real, everything changes and the connection grows deeper and deeper. Agreements are mostly made silently and are often out of date. Updating your basic coupleship agreements revitalizes your coupleship, and yet most couples rarely update even one agreement. What does this look like? (Marla) For me one of the silent agreements I had with Jami was since I was a stay-at-home mom I would do all of the domestic chores and take care of the kids and Jami would bring home the money. It worked pretty well until I began to resent it, but I didn’t have the tools to share my resentment and it became passive-aggressive comments and control. And Jami’s response was to lash back at me with, “I go to work and pay our bills and being a mom is your job, not mine” and then he’d check-out, sometimes physically but mostly emotionally, leaving me feeling utterly abandoned. This left us both resentful, hurt, and confused. In our consulting practice, and in our relationship, we start with a fundamental agreement that my feelings are real and Jami’s feelings are real and although we care about each other we are not going to take care of our partner’s feelings. We need to take care of ours first, recognizing what we are actually feeling (see this blog) and humbly sharing what they are. In our two-hour online course on Sundays from 1-3 pm, Jami and I model ways of doing this in a loving way that generates healing and emotional safety instead of instigating more of the same argument.

  1. Have a Common Language for Your Feelings 

(Jami) You might have seen our Feeling Wheel 5.0. Men (or anyone who tends to avoid feelings, particularly feeling words, like me) who take a few minutes to understand how to use the wheel love it and it changes everything! It gives a couple a quick and easy way to know where the other is at and this makes it much easier to ask for what you want. I used to be terrible about expressing my feelings because let’s face it, I didn’t have a clue about what emotion/s I was feeling. When you’re told “Shut-up or I’ll give you something to cry about” or “big boys don’t cry” you learn very early not to share what you’re really feeling unless it’s happy and easy for the people around you. The deepest hurts in our coupleship have come from both Marla and I growing up with this faulty thinking about feelings. Marla’s emotional shutdown looked more like “Just relax; you’re fine” but the emotional outcome was the same leaving her feeling responsible to make everyone happy all the while losing herself. Even with this faulty foundation, Marla and I have learned to address our feelings rather than go on and on with a story (usually with angry undertones and words) about how hurt we are. This tool is also expanded on in our short online course with specific skills to overcome your triggered response to conflict within your relationship. The outcome of practicing this skill daily is an emotional safe coupleship full of deeper intimacy.

  1. Know Your Partner’s Sensory Preference 

There are three primary sensory preferences: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. These seem obvious but what often happens is that both you and your spouse have been using old strategies to meet these needs and you are both totally frustrated and don’t even realize why. (Marla) I am highly visual and Jami is highly kinesthetic which, you can imagine, led to a lot of frustration and even hostility. Jami would leave his socks or pants or whatever article of dirty clothing right next to the laundry basket and step right over it to leave the room. I would seethe and tell him to please put them into the basket. It happened often, and every time I would feel disrespected and unheard. I just thought he was being a jerk. We learned this concept in 1996 and it was eye-opening, to say the least! Jami wasn’t disrespecting me; he actually didn’t see the laundry on the floor. Mind blown. And when he understood the importance of my visual space being neat he stepped up his visual game and started dropping his dirty laundry into the basket. For Jami when I wouldn’t connect with him through touch he felt disrespected and unloved. You can imagine the painful conversations that ensued because of it… When I realized how important physical touch is to him I began to be intentional about it. All of our physical and emotional shifts made a huge difference in our emotional safety and connection!

Getting to what we call “together, together” on these three things will take a ho-hum relationship to a stellar connection for eternity. This is why we have developed a two-hour interactive course full of great tools and live coaching for all individuals (singles and couples) that puts these three foundational principles into clear and easy to talk about strategies so everyone is completely happy with each other. Classes are on Sunday afternoons from one to three so sign up today and find out how you can connect like never before! (If you aren’t on Facebook where the tickets to the course are sold please follow THIS LINK to pay directly–$49 for individuals and $79 for couples.)

Note: Often one person in a coupleship finds reasons not do start learning about these things… it is natural to resist change and if your partner is doing this there are two things to do: First, ask them why it is they “don’t want to,” and just listen, and when they are finished put what they said into a feeling; what do you hear? Frustration, skepticism, criticism, fear? And let them know that those feelings are real and you understand. You also have feelings and would really appreciate them joining you in making your relationship better, and having tools for these feelings might make a big difference in both your happiness. The second thing to do? If showing empathy for their resistance does not help them choose to join you simply come to class and learn the tools and slowly integrate them into your coupleship. You both will be happier than ever!

Joy in the (Fair) Fight

by Jami and Marla Keller

(Marla) Dirty fighting almost killed our coupleship, but here we are! Jami was really good and being emotionally distant and abandoning me (both emotionally and physically) and I was really good at using all Jami’s past disgretions against him. Not cool. We were on the verge of divorce and miraculously learned how to stop the dirty fighting. It was strange, uncomfortable, hard, and confusing but it has been so worth it! You can have this, too.

The key to managing the tension in your coupleship, and actually any relationship in your life, is to remember that most issues are not problems to solve, rather they are tensions to manage. Managing tensions works really well when you can know what your core feelings are about an issue and communicate them in a kind and respectful way. This is called “speaking your truth in love.” It is truly helpful if you can make the agreement with your partner that both of your feelings are important and real, no matter what they are, and it is each person’s responsibility to share those feelings regularly. This is a general guide to follow (notice that it also generates more joy in your life!)…

1. Track Your Feelings

The very best way to become free from difficult emotions is to  f e e l  them and move through them. What does this look like? If you are angry, feel the anger (where is it in your body, what color is it, what shape is it) and then visualize releasing it from your body.

2. Journal

I know, I know, journaling is so annoying… And it is powerful for letting JOY in! Here’s a quick way to do it: a) Write out the positive feelings you’d like to experience throughout the day, b) Write out the negative feelings you felt yesterday, and c) Write out what you are grateful for. When you take this time away from the craziness off life. It’s that simple.

3. Forgive

Yikes, really??! Yep, for real. We promise that it will transform your life. Forgiveness is a choice way before it’s a feeling, and it is for you and not for the other person. Forgiveness is not a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for the person(s) who harmed you. They are still accountable for their actions. And it does not mean that you need to reconnect with those who have hurt you. You’ve got this!

4. Speak Your Truth

Are you worried about being disapproved of if you speak your truth? Don’t worry about what others think about you because they rarely do… How does that resonate with your heart? When you’ve been able to dive in to Steps 1-3 you’re totally ready for Step #4. You’re worth it!

It takes at least 21 days to create a new habit and then 60 days or more to solidify it so keep on keeping on and see how your life changes for the better! If you find that this isn’t working for you then it may be time to get some support. You can schedule your Free Discovery Session today!

Stop the Dirty Fighting and Change Your Coupleship Story

by Jami and Marla Keller, Cofounders

Are you tired of having the same old fight over and over again? You’re not alone; it happens to every couple. It’s time to change your coupleship story today and forever! It turns out that in relationships there are really very few problems to be solved. Most issues are tensions to manage, and without tension, there can be no passion. The attitude you use to manage the tensions in your coupleship will create passion or provoke a fight. Most of what we do in our coaching/mentoring/consulting is helping couples find the old way of managing this tension so couples can move from the same old dirty fighting and replace it with new tools that help every coupleship succeed. 

(Marla) Most of our learning about conflict resolution comes from our parents. Maybe you were like Jami and saw many fights between your parents that were highly volatile and frightening at times. Or like me who saw my parents have “loud discussions” that usually ended with my father getting what he wanted. At least that was my perception. Other people we have coached have said that they never even saw their parents fight with each other. And you might think that your parents’ not fighting in front of you was better, but that assumption would be wrong. Dead wrong. Oftentimes, a person who has never seen their parents fight and a person whose parents fought very dirty get together and, boy, the fur starts to fly! Here are some dirty fighting techniques we have come across over the past twenty-four years of working with couples: 

  • Expressing “you” statements–“You make me so angry!” When you address frustration with “I” statements and then talk about your specific feelings, you end up having a more productive conversation that probably won’t meltdown into a knock-down-drag-out.
    • Quick Fix–Shift the conversation by saying instead, “I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty socks in the middle of the floor” instead of “You are so lazy!” 
  • Using “always” and “never” which overstates and exaggerates the situation–“I am always the one who has to take care of the kids! You never help me.” Be very aware when you use these two words. “Always” and “never” are always about the past (childhood) and never about today. Obviously you are triggered in the moment by your partner but the trigger is old.
    • Quick Fix–Take a moment to assess times when you use these words and identify the first time you felt that feeling. Journal this out so that you have more clarity, and then journal about the event. You will find that this keeps you from going to that place when things get heated again.
  • Ghosting your partnerPsychotherapist and professor Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. writes, “Ghosting isn’t new—people have long engaged in disappearing acts—but years ago this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel…being ghosted is a phenomenon that approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting. Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.” The core of ghosting is abandonment through silence, not texting or calling back, saying things like “My phone was dead,” etc.
    • Quick Fix–Choose connection over distance when you are tempted to ignore your partner by responding consistently to them in kindness when they reach out to you. 
  • Escalating from the issue to attacking your partner’s personality, and then asking whether or not a relationship with this person is worth it, and verbalizing the possibility of divorce or break-up– When you love someone your intention is not to hurt them. But when things get heated, the easiest thing to want to do is lash out and be mean. 
    • Quick Fix–Stop. Look. Listen. Take ten seconds before speaking so that you won’t end up saying something you will regret later. 
  • Coming at your partner at a time when they are unable to take the time to work on the problem appropriately–Examples of this would be picking a fight or bringing up something hurtful right when they are walking out the door, immediately before guests arrive, or promptly before driving into the parking lot at a community event. 
    • Quick Fix–Make sure that you are bringing up important conversations at a time that will allow for the discussion to be thorough and not volatile.
  • Crucializing–Saying something like, “If you really loved me, you would do this to make me happy.” Or, “This just proves that you never loved me.” Be careful about rash statements, or guilt-inducing statements. These will only create more pain. 
    • Quick Fix–Instead, take time to think about why you are in love with your partner or better yet why you fell in love with them in the first place. Again, ten seconds can really help! Even a time-out would be appropriate, but make sure it isn’t more than 30 minutes and that you state you are not abandoning your partner but are taking a breather from the conflict to get your heart in a better place. 
  • Kitchen-sinking–Bombarding your partner with everything that they have ever done in the past and then exclaiming that they will never change because of this “proof” that you have just expressed is kitchen-sinking. Remember Rafiki in The Lion King when he hits Simba upside the head with his staff and an incensed Simba says, “Hey! What was that for?” Rafiki replies, “It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.” Let the past go through forgiveness and move beyond the kitchen sink!
    • Quick Fix–You need to forgive the things of the past and let them stay there. It’s not fair to bring things up that have been forgiven. You are allowed to call a “foul” when this happens during a fight.
  • Telling your spouse that they must be right and that there really isn’t any hope for you–This throws them completely off guard and makes you into the poor martyr. And it’s manipulative and passive-aggressive because you know you don’t really mean it. You just want them to feel sorry for you and back-off.
    • Quick Fix– Instead of playing the martyr, swallow your pride and express your feelings without manipulation or control using “I” statements. 
  • Twisting the blame around–As soon as they address an issue with you, you come right back at them with an issue you have with them. “I didn’t call the insurance company, but you didn’t pick up your socks that you stepped right over on your way to the shower.” Now, this is just childish. A tit-for-tat is not going to create a healthy dynamic.
    • Quick Fix–Take responsibility for your own behaviors. Buck it up, and move on. You know when you have made a mistake, so own it and forgive yourself. And forgive your spouse for bringing up your shortfall. The more you respond appropriately when conflict arises, the fewer conflicts come up, and they will diminish over time.
  • Never taking responsibility for your actions–Using excuses like “I forgot” or “I didn’t hear you say that” or whatever else allows you to avoid responsibility and might even stop the conversation right there. 
    • Quick Fix–Again, grow up and take responsibility for your own actions. 
  • Trying to find the “solution” and not listening–Many people uncomfortable with emotion will move the conversation immediately to making things work through some type of solution instead of simply listening and allowing their spouse to express themselves. This creates frustration and eventually resentment in your partner and will eventually lead to disconnection and discontent in the coupleship.
    • Quick Fix–The first rule of thumb is to listen to your partner and their frustrations. An appropriate question to ask would be, “What do you need from me?” This helps your spouse clarify what it is that they might need, but also allows them to thank you for listening because that allowed them the time and space to figure it out on their own. Or they simply feel better because they got it off of their chest. (Marla) For many years now since learning this Jami will ask me “Are you looking for a solution or do you simply want me to listen?” And it works like magic!
  • Abandoning your spouse by physically leaving the room or by “checking out” emotionally–This will cause the person being abandoned to try harder to control you through raising their voice higher or using any number of the above techniques.
    • Quick Fix–Again, if you feel the desire to abandon because things have gotten out of hand, ask for a time-out and let your partner know that you need 15-30 minutes to process and then you will come back to the conversation. Remember to tell them clearly that you are not abandoning them, you simply need some time to cool-off and process quietly.
  • And last, but not least, Gaslighting your significant other–This is actually the most insidious dirty fighting technique of all of the ones listed above. Relationship expert Susan Winter’s definition is “[G]aslighting occurs when someone tries to control someone else through manipulation by making them doubt themselves, their intuition and their reality. Note that the purpose is to make someone question their reality. It’s a specific form of abuse that can cause people to feel like they’re going crazy.” What does gaslighting look like? Lying about everything and then telling you that you’re “crazy,” blame, denial, ghosting, never taking personal accountability, twisting the truth, crucializing, and attacking your personality or character.
    • Quick Fix–These are also indications of clinical narcissism, and if you find yourself identifying with most or all of these symptoms we highly recommend finding help to healthfully extract yourself from the coupleship. A great resource is the book Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary.

It is probably pretty clear to you which of these techniques you have perfected. Take some time to process them with your partner at a time when you are both in a good space emotionally. Avoid pointing out which ones they do since this is about you and transforming your story, not about helping your significant other see their deficiencies. And if you are still unable to resolve healthfully come see us for your Free Discovery Session; it will be well worth your time and money!

The Magic Trigger-Shift

by Jami and Marla Keller

Are you tired of having the same fight over and over again with your spouse or significant other? It’s exhausting and will eventually lead to discontent and disconnect in your coupleship. There is one thing you can do to win every argument… Really. And it works no matter who you feel conflict with including parents, siblings, children, coworkers, etc. if it can be done with no agenda or manipulation.

We must warn you that once you know this secret you will be responsible for doing your best to take care of your side of the street (emotionally) or there will be (continued?) lost sleep, hurt, and frustration. Consider yourself warned, and if you’re still reading this, you’re ready!

The First Agreement for a Successful Coupleship

Your feelings and perceptions are real and only you are responsible for caring healthfully for them. This means that your partner’s feelings and perceptions are real and only they are responsible for them.

Seems simple doesn’t it? It’s not because, well, life…

(Marla) I have to admit, sheepishly, that I  h a t e d—I mean, despised—this agreement when we were taught it back in the late-90’s. Jami had shot an arrow into the depths of my soul (or maybe he just bumped one that was already there) and I was red-hot ANGRY and HE was responsible for my anger, darn it! As you can see through the lens of the first agreement, I was dead wrong, and in this poisonous state, I was lashing out at Jami in rage and blaming him instead of taking responsibility for my feelings and experience. It would have been the end of our relationship if I hadn’t gotten a firm grasp on this very important concept—only I am responsible for how I feel. Whoa. That’s hard stuff.

Why isn’t it simple, you ask? Because everyone has blind spots about how they really feel (yep, even you) whether that’s due to stuffing their emotions or not being allowed to feel as a little one. Did you ever hear, “Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about” or “Big boys don’t cry” or the seemingly innocuous “Relax, you’re fine”? Perfect words to shut down your ability to feel your emotions and express them healthfully. Here is a quick test to see if you are present to your current feelings: In ten seconds can you name three feelings you are feeling right now? And for those of you who are experts at stuffing your feelings remember “good,” “bad,” “fine,” “okay,” and “so-so” don’t count. Did you know that understanding where those feelings come from is vital for your health both emotional and physical? Studies show “[w]hen the mind thwarts the flow of emotions because they are too overwhelming or too conflicting, it puts stress on the mind and the body, creating psychological distress and symptoms. Emotional stress, like that from blocked emotions, has not only been linked to mental illness, but also to physical problems like heart disease, intestinal problems, headaches, insomnia and autoimmune disorders.” Yikes!

This is why we developed the Feeling Wheel 5.0.

Even if you are one of the rare people that can name three distinct and deep feelings within ten seconds, it is much harder to do when you are in conflict and already solidly triggered into your preferred mode of feeling can be very complicated and keep you from being your best. Being aware of your current feelings and taking personal responsibility for them allows your partner to have their feelings and be responsible for their them. (Marla) Jami and I have been practicing these tools for a while now, but I still make crap up about how he’s feeling. We used to end up in a heated argument, or “loud discussion” as my parents called it, but now we’re able to stay on our side of the street most of the time (unless someone’s being stubborn…like me. Ughhh). And it goes like this: I feel distance from Jami and I make-up that he is upset with me. I ask him, “Are you okay? I am feeling distant and I make-up that you are frustrated with me.” At least ninety-nine percent of the time he responds, “Oh, shoot, no I’m not upset with you. I am feeling ___________.” (His usual responses are that he’s tired, he’s concentrating, or he’s not feeling well.) Boom. Knock-down-drag-out avoided.

Magic. It takes practice (a lot!) and you can make significant improvements in your coupleship if only you practice feeling your emotions, but it’s incredibly helpful if your love is onboard with taking responsibility for their emotions as well. You cannot force them to, but you can start practicing it yourself and see what happens. Your best step forward is to write in your private calendar what you are feeling three times a day. It can be helpful to attach those feelings to a person or situation. That’s it! Pretty simple, huh?! This first step is not only valuable for stopping the crazy in your coupleship it is also how you find your core values (we’ll have that blog for you in two weeks). Now go out and conquer the world, or at least your emotions. You’ve got this!

Next week check back for our blog on Dirty Fighting and how to stop it.

Blindsided by Anxiety

by Jami and Marla Keller, Cofounders

(Jami) When Marla asked me the other day, “When do you feel anxiety, and what is your reaction to it?” my first response was, “I don’t.”

As Mark Twain so aptly put it, “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

How can you not feel anxious in our world today even if you avoid the news (which, btw, is one of the biggest contributors to your anxiety)? Everyone is so tense these days. Just as an example, even in our usually friendly town, Marla pulled up a few feet when she thought the light had changed entering the empty crosswalk by a few feet (nothing dangerous as she is the safest driver in our family) and stopped.  Suddenly this guy three lanes away started yelling at her and he kept it up through the next two lights calling her names. At one point he threatened violence and we considered the idea that he was going to get out of his work truck. What was very clear is that he seriously needed some anger management tools. It was a bit unsettling.

We can all feel it–the overwhelm, choked, controlled and fearful feelings– about things that are completely out of our control. Your anxiety may be a trait inherited and/or learned from early on in your life or it may be a temporary state of being due to trauma, heartbreak, betrayal, or any loss. (Marla) I thought up until more recently that my experience with anxiety was circumstantial due to Jami’s infidelity (you can read more about this HERE) more than it was a trait. Denial much??? Yep, when I look at my family of origin I see worry everywhere I look. In fact, one of my siblings just had a heart attack and it’s being connected directly to stress (a simple word that diminishes what it really is– worry and anxiety). I was born this way and my over-achieving, perfectionistic, approval-seeking self just figured out how to stuff it and use, well, over-achieving, perfectionism, and approval. Imagine what this did to me when Jami didn’t “approve of me” or when my response to his infidelity was, “Obviously I’m not enough…” Lies, all lies. What did I do with this? I reached out to our relationship mentor and consultant for help. Whether it’s a trait for you or a state of being because of circumstances it is important that you take some time and talk to someone about it (if you haven’t already).

The world can be a bit scary these days.

According to our Google search anxiety is an “[i]ntense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired may occur.” (Jami) I began to realize that anxiety was a big part of my life… And obviously, I was being blindsided by it. I called it something else, and even got treatment in 1999 for what I called my adrenaline addiction. High-risk sports and behavior were my numbing “drugs of choice,” and as you can imagine, not so good for family life.

It nearly killed me.

And I am not alone. The suicide rates have increased dramatically since 2008 with one source citing that it has the rate for teen girls raising by 300%. It is up in all age groups by as much as 30% and among women it has increased by 50% during this same timeframe. According to senior science reporter at Business Insider, Hilary Brueck, “Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for all Americans from 10 to 34 years old.” What happened in 2008? The first iPhone came out. There is precious little information available about how smartphones impact since the one study funded by the U.S. government was suddenly defunded when the initial results revealed more danger than expected. The only country continuing to do research currently is Australia. Whether it is a combination of social media and screen time radiation and light effect, or just taking time away from real human contact the evidence is overwhelming. We do know definitively that the research shows social media use increases depression and loneliness.

Natalie Rasgon, a psychiatry and gynecology professor who directs the Stanford Center for Neuroscience in Women’s Health, addresses the numbing of anxiety symptoms that happens due to medicating the physical symptoms as opposed to taking care of the core issues saying, “A lot of people who have depression and anxiety experience physical symptoms. Rather than understanding their mental health, they get medication to treat the symptoms.” Medicating by itself is not the answer.

Anxiety, like all emotions, is a series of constructs. We all “make up” what is okay to feel and express by the signals we get from our parents and peers. The methods and habits that get ingrained in our heart and mind are, crazily, completely developed and set by the time we are seven years old. These methods and habits we call modes are changeable but we must consciously and consistently focus on what is actually happening and how our old habits are not serving our current situation.

The shift in how humans have lived and interacted over the last eighty years has been so significant it is difficult to understand. In 1940, and all of known history before that time, people lived primarily in an agrarian culture. That meant that people grew up in a close community of families, and between 75 and 150 people knew who you were, who your parents were, and what job you had. If you did a bad job they told you, or your parents. Talk about immediate accountability!

Fast forward 80 years. How many people in your life can even do that now? Most everyone we ask responds with a big, fat “zero!” The isolation and in our culture is crushing our souls and heightening our anxiety.

Let that sink in. The way we live today is not sustainable, and we can see the evidence of that socially, economically and ecologically.

Anxiety and depression are overwhelming and the opioid epidemic and suicide rates are more than enough evidence, and there is more. Just take real stock of what you have been feeling recently. How tired are you? How much stress do you have compared to say, two years ago? How many people do you feel supported by? Who knows that you have had dark thoughts recently?

After coaching individuals and couples for more than twenty-one years we noticed that nearly all of our clients were experiencing adrenal fatigue symptoms. So did our research and we found hair testing at a lab for biochemistry which gives more accurate results than blood work for how our bodies are performing. The results: EVERYONE WE HAVE TESTED HAS SIGNIFICANT FATIGUE AND IMBALANCE BETWEEN THE ADRENAL GLANDS AND THYROID FUNCTION. To be clear many of our clients make an appointment with us because they are experiencing stress so this is not a scientific example. But the ease of balancing your biochemistry combined with the emotional tools we teach to change your modes of emotional operation is a powerful combination that will change the very DNA that is affecting your behavior. It’s all fixable within a relatively short time period of time! (Our coaching packages are six weeks to six months depending on the desired outcome.) By the use of our coaching, consultation and mentoring the physical symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression drop significantly, most often within three weeks!

The problem is we are blinded by how our brains work. We can not see better alternatives than watching our screens for eight to ten hours a day, avoiding people in any real connection, and eating poorly.

We can not make enough changes alone. We have to have help to see the blind spots in our own thinking and how we feel. We have been using a process that completely transforms the fundamental thinking and feeling so that you can take charge of how you process the stress that is inevitable in the world we live in. Don’t make the same mistake I (Jami) made thinking that I was immune to stress. What was really happening is that I was stuffing it down into my core, letting it rot there. It is time to start with yourself and learn to really forgive so that you can start building a close community of support that will allow you to give and receive the support we all need! Start by making a free appointment with us either in person here in Boise or online with video chat. Whether you decide to work with us or not we will give you a couple of free tools that will start you on your journey. Every single client that we have worked with that dives head-first into the work significantly reduces their depression and anxiety and learns how to manage their stress in the best ways possible.

Coping With the Heartbreak of Mass Shootings

By Jami and Marla Keller

We have been feeling heartbroken over the tragic news of the recent mass shootings that brought 2019’s total in the United States to two hundred and fifty fatal events. It is overwhelming, these traumatic shootings that are now part of our society. The question is, “what can we do?” First and foremost we must feel this pain. We have been practicing this feeling stuff for over twenty-five years and yet we still have difficulty sorting out our feelings of such devastating and unnecessary trauma It is shocking, frustrating, and confusing. How do we stop this?

The Director of the FBI testified in Congress recently that there have been more than 100 arrests over the last year as they look at domestic terrorism. He also stated there are two profiles: 1) Jihadists motivated by Muslim extremists and 2) domestic white men that are motivated by racist hate. And yet the problem persists and most often it is online groups promoting violence on racial lines. We are up against the lowest form of superiority (insecurity in disguise) and ignorance.

It seems likely that this is an outgrowth of the suicide rates that have increased by nearly thirty percent in all age groups since 2008. Can you guess what significant event that happened in 2008? It was the year the first iPhone came out. It could very well be a coincidence but it is clear that our society has become more disconnected, whatever the reason. What we experience in our practice is that this disconnect is creating more anxiety and depression nationwide. In the extreme, this anxiety and depression look to be leaning more and more towards suicidal violence.
How to respond? First, we must forgive the pain and hurt we all suffer at the hands of the misguided and suicidal actions of these fearful and isolated men. Forgiveness requires that we feel the hurt and pain of what is lost, stolen, broken and/or neglected. Then, and only then, we must choose to forgive, and forgiveness is always a choice before it is a feeling.

The answer is community. This practice of forgiveness allows us the energy and motivation to connect with those around us. Then, as a group, we must learn to identify the isolated and hurting people in our local environment. Forgiveness also allows our intuition to grow into awareness when something isn’t right. It also has the side benefit of decreasing stress, and if we all have decreased stress the world can’t help but become a better place.

Our communal next steps will become evident as the natural path of community will be stronger connections and awareness. We must learn to feel and forgive before any other measures will provide any real results. Forgiveness is never “done.” It is an ongoing process and as each of us move in this direction our capacity to connect with the depressed, passively suicidal, potentially violent people becomes more natural. In this way, we can prevent more violence and destruction.

We are devastated. These disasters are shattering so many lives and shocking communities across the nation. And we are using our tools to create connected communities because one thing we know well is that we can do more if we band together. Join us, and together we can make a difference.