How to Have Sexual Passion (the Real Answer!)


By Jami Keller

At Passion Provokers we are dedicated to helping all relationships be successful. Sometimes we get phone calls from those that are looking for something a little more provocative, because of how some people understand our company name. 

One of the most popular article on the Psychology Today website is “It doesn’t hurt to look, does it?” and is about a study of college students in long term relationships and their use of pornography. 

Author of the blog, Heidi Reeder, shared some of the study results, since the researchers were curious how pornography impacted relationships and what happened when they stopped.

The people who eliminated or significantly reduced their viewing of pornographic material were significantly more committed to their relationships than those who continued to view the material. These results held true for both men and women.” 

After struggling with this issue in my earlier years, I strongly believe this industry not only objectifies women, but contributes to the horrors of sex slavery and human traffickingEven if you are “just looking”, it’s adding to the problem. 

Because of the evidence produced by Heidi Reeder, it only leads to the conclusion that pornography almost always negatively impacts relationships. Beyond the evidence, I believe it always negatively impacts the possibility of real sexual intimacy. I understand that this is a debated issue, and it is possible you may not agree with that viewpoint.

Pornography takes the most intimate parts of your relationship into a comparison that is not realistic or healthy. There are those who say they enjoy participating and those that promote it as relationship help. Sure, it is likely that it will get you and your partner “in the mood”, but watching others engage in intimacy is not a long-term solution. 

Like a band-aid for cancer, it will only help for a short amount of time. At Passion Provokers, we have yet to see a case where the use of pornography increases intimacy for the relationship in the long-term.

The benefits of growing a sexually and emotionally healthy relationship are endless, and in the 20+ years we have worked with couples, pornography has only limited the emotional growth for both partners involved. 

Emotionally and sexually healthy relationships are becoming increasingly rare. We are witnessing many of the “boomer generation”  divorcing their longtime partners at an astonishing rate. Astonishing because it used to be an anomaly for anyone to divorce after the age of 50.

In a recent CNN article by Greg Clary and Athena Jones, they shared that the rates for divorce in persons over the age of 50 is much higher than most people think:

“Divorce rates among couples over 50 have doubled in the last 20 years, according to a study by Bowling Green State University. In 1990, fewer than one in 10 people who divorced were 50 or older. In 2009, that figure was one in four.”

The article also indicated that those of the “Boomer” generation are beginning to look online for relationship interactions. This suggests that since divorce is now more culturally acceptable, they not only use that acceptance, but are quickly turning to the internet to find other relationships.

Sexual satisfaction is a huge reason for these high numbers. According to a recent post by Mari DeAngelis: 

Boomers are the least satisfied with sex of any age group, including people over age 65. What’s going on with the love and peace generation and what can Boomers do to light up that old spark? 

Here we have an entire generation that is choosing to separate or divorce, and the evidence strongly suggests that it is because of lack of a healthy sexual and emotional relationship.

Baby Boomers are divorcing + they are the least sexually happy generation + like other generations, they are turning to the internet to fill this sexual & emotion void = an obvious problem with communication, intimacy, and passion.

The topic of pornography and whether or not it is a clinical diagnosis is heavily debated, and current “pornography addiction” is specifically not listed on the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders). 

“This study investigated the prevalence of problematic Internet pornography viewing, how it is problematic, and the psychological processes that underlie the problem in a sample of 84 college-age males using an anonymous online survey. It was found that approximately 20%–60% of the sample who view pornography find it to be problematic depending on the domain of interest. In this study, the amount of viewing did not predict the level of problems experienced. Meditational analyses suggest that the manner in which an individual interacts with urges to view pornography may be related to whether viewing is problematic or not.”

In a self-reported and anonymous study, 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography. 60% of the women who answered the survey admitted to having significant struggles with lust; 40% admitted to being involved in “sexual sin” in the past year; and 20% of the church-going female participants struggle with looking at pornography on an ongoing basis. For more information on this particular study, you can click HERE

Another report stated that more than 80% of christian men view porn regularly.

Our take on this statistic is that it is not helping relationships. The fact that people are self reporting an addiction to it tells us that it is secret, and they would like to stop. It is also under-reported, meaning the numbers are actually higher. 

Those particular studies are based in the Christian community, and in our research we have found that pornography use is often higher in the Christian community. 

At Passion Provokers, we strongly believe that a little spice can make the bedroom a more fun and interesting place. We are advocates for exploring what that means for your relationship, but we highly discourage any form of pornography because of the damage it does to the emotional and sexual health of your relationship. 

We have a REAL solution to introduce passion back into your sex life!

The real issue around sexuality is the quality of the emotional relationship. Being able to have an open and honest conversation about your sex life is extremely important. Learning how to have this conversation is not difficult and can be done even if just one person knows how. 

We call this the sexual emotional loop. Those that have a committed relationship with a growing emotional connection report the strongest satisfaction with sex. And this sexual satisfaction does not need new and different “techniques”, pills, or outside stimulation. The best sex happens in your brain and heart, and the other parts are just a bonus. 

At Passion Provokers we have seen thousands of people improve the quality and quantity of all their intimacies, by feeding the connections and investing in their long term relationship. 

Those few who were not willing to take a path to securing their long-term relationship have mostly repeated the same frustrations with a new partner, having thrown away years of investment with the pe. Most often, the partner you have chosen to build a life with holds the key to unlocking the sexual intimacy you desire. 

But, even better than that, your partner holds the keys for unlocking a legacy of love that goes well beyond sexuality. 

One thought on “How to Have Sexual Passion (the Real Answer!)

  1. Thank you for writing and clarifying on a topic that effects many couples. This is very informative and will help many couples face and overcome this, being able to refocus those energies and dedicate it to their relationships. It is a topic many of us have personally dealt with but have either been unable to confirm the damage porn addiction can do and/or not know where to find help. Greatly written and referenced!

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