The Key to the Magic-Sauce In Coupleships


by Jami and Marla Keller
There are so many key factors that make us individuals, probably billions the way scientific research is heading(!). And when it comes to a romance that combines perfectly the sexual and the emotional, there is a crashing together of two individuals and all their stuff. Isn’t it crazy that we bring so much into our relationships? We. Don’t. Even. Know. What??? You read that right…as a human you are made up of the DNA of your parents (and new science is telling us that we actually are infused with the trauma of our ancestor’s DNA at conception, not even just our PARENT’S crap, but our ANCESTOR’S crap as well? yay…)
Suddenly, as you might imagine, the bedroom is cramped. So many issues are literally flying all around you both, and your coupleship begins to feel overwhelming. Turns out that we find a best friend and lover who is within twelve points of our I.Q. (Check this out…) and who has a matching emotional issue. Not the same issue, but trigger-points that you are familiar with and that you tend to attract from others, and trigger in others, because your brain also has the amazing ability to heal these painful places inside of your relationship with your partner. This is the person you have chosen for the very reason that you can heal together. How cool is that? Unfortunately, at least 48% of people decide these issues and trigger-points are too painful, and they don’t seek the accountability, coaching and mentorship needed to journey together through the pain and come out on the other side more passionate, compassionate and connected to each other.
Do not despair. There is hope. The crowded bedroom can be simplified when the right Relationship Technology is applied with consistency.
First, let’s take a look at the balance of emotional and sexual energy. In the beginning, when a relationship is new, the entire brain is activated in the area of “pleasure” when you bond in love. This is oxytocin, the hormone of connection, bonding and trust at work. It quite literally bonds you to that person and their stimulated hormone levels.
This changes our core values of what coupleships look like. And it invests us in the larger dynamic of community, family and deeper connection.
Reproducing has this great ritual around it. Sex is literally the flooding of receptors with a mix of oxytocin, adrenaline, and several other spicy little ingredients. The adrenaline can’t get to be too high or a whole new level of “CRAZY,” yes the all caps “CRAZY,” inside of your relationship can have it’s own addictive cycle (yet another blog topic coming soon, and here’s an anonymous blog about this from one of our past clients).
What has to happen to maintain that best sex of your life every month of your life with the same partner until well over a hundred years old? Glad you asked.
The age-old myth is that coupleships have up to 3 years of connection and passion, and then that “newness” wears thin, and a more settled love takes it’s place. Hold on to your seats, because Jami and I absolutely disagree with this assertion. Why? Because we have only had our interest for each other, our love, our connection and our passion increase exponentially over time, and it hasn’t stopped increasing. And what we know is that the sexual-emotional loop has to have balance. When the emotional cup is filled to overflowing, the sexual connection is supported for the absolute best results.
This requires three basic disciplines that really need to be practiced daily. Here they are:

  1. Prayer, meditation or journaling. Whatever you want to call “warming up your brain.” It turns out that the journal process we use at Passion Provokers uses the best known science that includes the components necessary to activate your brain, and this can also be guided via audio. Even if you have never practiced journaling or meditating before, or have tried and “fell out” of the habit, we can help you reconnect to this incredibly empowering and healing process. It’s not all about “ommmmmmmm,” we promise!
  2. Be present to your feelings and express them healthfully. This is accomplished in our twelve-week process using tools to unlock your core values, and then we offer you the path to walking towards your feelings in every area of life, instead of choosing to run away screaming as if you’re being chased by a very large grizzly bear.
  3. And finally, share your deepest feelings and desires with your partner. You can will learn to share your deepest feelings and desires with your partner in a shame-free connection that develops a flow of love between the two of you that really is unstoppable that doesn’t have to be shrouded in fear. Did you know that oxytocin receptors continue to grow and multiply forever? There is no stopping point, until maybe when you stop breathing…

Only three daily choices (and if you read Brene Brown’s newest book, Rising Strong, you will see her research endorses everything that we teach). By finding your value, worth and empowerment and by feeling and expressing your feelings healthfully, nearly all past trauma can heal (and “trauma” is a scary word that can mean something as simple as a sibling being born and you feeling replaced and traumatized by a seemingly happy event). This healing journey gives us meaning and the deep understanding that all pain comes with a silver lining that can only be seen when we convert our pain into better boundaries. Oh yeah, this is a great blog on Boundaries, and a new blog on Healthy Attachment will be coming soon!
We promise that when these tools are practiced daily it is natural and easy to take your partner of nearly thirty years by both hands, look them deeply into their beautiful big, blue eyes and achieve a connection that is as fresh as the first magical kiss. The magic-sauce never has to fade!

P.S. Check out what’s happening with the coaching documentary, LEAP. Jami and I are part of the top 1% of coaches worldwide that are featured in this outstanding documentary directed by the world-renowned Betsy Chasse (who also created, directed and produced the wildly popular documentary What the Bleep Do We Know?). #coachingmovie #leapthedocumentary #leapcoachingdocumentary