The Oldest Story Is All About Shame

Picture(Art: Cycle Gladiator Winery, Santa Rosa, CA)

by Jami and Marla Keller

Body shaming is getting some front page press…again. This time it’s a little Kim Kardashian drama about cellulite and disgust and a lot of “How dare she mislead us???” Friends, do you realize that the pic of her on the beach lost her one hundred THOUSAND followers on Instagram??? What the what? But don’t worry too much about her dynasty; she still have 98.8 million followers on Insta… But please do worry about the fact that she was shamed in the most vicious way.

We see it in our coaching practice all the time. One client who has done much work to get past body shame recently said, “I was not a wanted baby. My mom couldn’t handle another child and I always felt like my body was not welcome, and I was ashamed, especially of my female parts.”  And don’t make the mistake that guys are immune to it. They get it, too, now more than ever.

We were recently reminded that body shaming is one of the oldest stories. Adam and Eve, “felt ashamed and covered their nakedness.” No matter what you believe about the bible, it is interesting that the first story recorded has body shame in it. And so from body shame there is sex shame (slut-shaming comes to mind), and from sex shame there are secrets and lies that have built a cloud of fear, loneliness and being either controlled by the shame or feeling desperately out of control. Our deepest hurts can be about how we look. Our culture desperately needs new language and skills to drain the shame out of our beliefs about our bodies!

Marla recently posted an abbreviated version of this on Facebook right after we finished binge-watching a very powerful Netflix show:


13 Reasons Why…I can’t even imagine being in high school right now. The bullying was bad enough (devastating really) in the mid 80’s where there were no cell phones and social media platforms to accentuate and broadcast our/my shame. I remember clearly the day that five or so other Freshman followed me from a distance from PE to English class and yelled things like, “You’re as ugly as a mutt, you’ve got freckles on your butt,” and “Too bad your butt’s so big. You’d be cute if you were skinner.” Wow. Really? I was 5 foot 4 inches tall and weighed a whopping 110!

​The body and slut-shaming in 13… hit way too close to home, in a still very hidden place in my heart that I’ve realized needs another layer of exposure, forgiveness and healing. I was in a Christian boarding school and was categorized as a “slut” because I dated a lot of guys and made out with them. Did I make stupid decisions because of my deep desire to be approved of and loved? Of course. But that’s NEVER. An. Excuse. For. Shaming. My anorexia and bulimia raged an internal war against me, striving for control, perfection and some kind of absolution for that shameful 5 year old little girl, me, that had been sexually abused. I teared up at some point in almost every episode, my heart aching for Hannah’s devastating journey. Really for all of their heartbreaking journeys…

What’s probably the most heartbreaking is that we girls/women don’t build up and support each other. Is it our “not enoughness” that compels us to make each other small so that we can feel “enough”? In a crazy twist in my adulthood (over the past 16 years), when I was a pastor in three different churches in three different states, it was women who shunned me the most for being a female in a “male’s role,” for wearing a blouse too low, or pants too tight, or too much make up, and the list goes on and on and on. Sadly they were so absorbed in what I was wearing that they missed out on what I was saying. But actually the very worst of it was the shaming those ladies cast out onto our teen daughters. No wonder they don’t want anything to do with organized religion.

Let’s get it together, ladies! WE NEED EACH OTHER. Let’s stop this madness and create a tsunami of love, connection, empathy, and compassion and change this story and change this world. And it starts with me. I love and support you, ALL of you, ladies in my life!

Turns out, there is good news. For over twenty-two years we have been streamlining and teaching a process that drains that shame out of the dark places and gives power back the those that have difficulty loving themselves and, yes, that is everyone… It is simple, and profound and it begins with writing your feelings down a few times a day. Here’s our small Feeling Wheel to get you started:
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Click here for our wheel with more feelings.

It is like being human is a crime. We’re here to tell you that it does not have to be. The awareness of your beauty (male or female), and the power to be beautiful, is inside of you. Know that you can make a difference, and the path to feeling empowered is right here.

After a few visits with one of our eighteen-year-old clients, an absolutely beautiful cheerleader, she said to us, “I feel like I get to choose how I feel instead of how shameful [the mean girls] try to make me feel.” These were girls who had shamed her for no reason other than the fact that they could. What is the point anyway of gossiping about someone’s flaws or their decisions, right or wrong. (By the way, it is the beautiful that get the worst of this. One clinician we know works with pro-basketball player’s wives and she says it is the most body-shamed group she has ever seen; think Eva Longoria, and of course today Kim Kardashian is in the news, so no one is immune, no matter how good looking or secure they are.)

Let’s all take a stand and not tolerate any body shaming, for yourself and anyone else. For us, it is absolutely not okay to hear someone say any disparaging thing about what someone is wearing, or any body issue, or how they are behaving sexually according to another person’s judgmental position. And we say it out loud when it happens in our hearing. It is fixable, we just all need to do the work to be fully present and express our feelings healthfully, all the while draining the shame out of the dark places.

We’d love to hear your experiences. You are not alone. Let’s help others realize that they are not alone either.

Are you ready to be free of shame? We’d love to help you move beyond your shame into love and peace and empowerment and joy! Contact us today at [email protected] and give us your three difficult feelings about your experience and we’ll email you a free gift.

Authors

​Jami and Marla Keller founded Passion Provokers in 2011 after they had spent the previous 21 years working in the coaching field. Many patterns emerged in this field, and they soon realized they needed to rebrand what it meant to have and to be in relationships. Jami and Marla Keller became Relationship Coaches and Licensed Facilitators with Life Skills International in 1995. From personal trials to professional success, they resolved to give everyone outstanding success in their relationship goals.
 
Their coaching is short-term (a maximum of 12 months) for a lifetime of results. With their unique way of coaching together, Jami and Marla have created simple teachings and processes that empower their clients to discover their passions and begin living into them. Since their job is to empower people’s lives and evoke a passion to thrive, they realized “provoking passion” was their job; hence, the name evolved into Passion Provokers.
 
Specializing in couples, they also teach this process to individuals and groups. Working with such a broad demographic has allowed them to enrich people’s lives in every facet. Together, they flourish in teaching people these simple and effective techniques and tools that, when followed, transform lives 100% of the time. They have traveled nationally presenting workshops and seminars to couples and individuals. They are the co-authors of the book Our Real Journey, a 13-week recovery program for teens entitled Journey to Nai, a 13-week recovery program for control and abandonment entitled Forever After, a follow up 13-week recovery program for Forever After entitled Passionate Tranquility, there new book with the current working title 3 Weeks to a Compassionate, Connected Coupleship, and Jami​’s newest book Silhouette of a Man: Becoming Conscious. ​
 
Jami and Marla have been married for 28 years, they live in Boise Idaho, have two beautiful grown daughters and a son-in- law. They love adventuring together, which involves things like hiking, tandem bicycle riding, traveling around the globe, Bikram yoga, road trips, presenting experiential workshops or simply sitting quietly and reading together.