How to DIY Forgiveness

by Ariel (+Jami)
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As with most things, a simple approach works best. Life is complex and complicated, so over the past 14 years, Passion Provokers has developed a six-part strategy that encourages simplicity in your daily life.  Throughout the years, our process has been validated by the research that has been done by scientists like Brene Brown and Tara Bennett-Goleman. The focus of their research is based on living a more-full life by harnessing forgiveness and vulnerability. Our team at Passion Provokers takes this one step further in our directive coaching model. By implementing these six phases into your daily life, you can go solo (although, with our coaches the results are drastically more beneficial)  on taking charge of what we teach and be ahead of the game. 

1. FORGIVENESS One of the most difficult concepts we teach is that forgiveness is a choice. How you feel, no matter the circumstances surrounding you, is a choice. This idea is challenging, even for the most seasoned “forgiver”. If someone were to walk up to you and slap you across the face, and you were to become angry, that is your choice. People argue all the time about how illogical that seems. Of course you would get upset if that were to happen, but the truth is that only you are responsible for how you feel or react. And, even if you choose to feel peaceful and react accordingly, it does not make the slap in the face okay; it just means that you have made an active choice for it not to negatively impact you (any further than how out of control you are for it to happen in the first place). Dr. Fred Luskin is the director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, CLICK HERE to watch his explanation if this. I often think about the Eleanor Roosevelt quote when I think of forgiveness as a choice: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” 
   
2. FOCUS A new perspective naturally takes place once you accept and practice that Forgiveness is a choice, and that only you are responsible for your feelings. Because of this, you are able to harness your ability to focus (that is often out of touch because of all the distractions our modern way of life creates).  When I was taking my driving education class years ago, the director always said “The best way to be a defensive driver is to be aware of what is going on around you.” There are many things that are out of your control, but if you can focus and be aware of what is going on around you, you are a lot less likely to be unpleasantly surprised. You will pick up on small social cues that you may not otherwise, and be more attentive to how people are responding around you. This will automatically allow you to be more present with your loved ones, and less bogged down by the small details that mostly don’t matter. 
   
3. GRATITUDE Expressing gratitude may be the secret for happiness. The biggest link of health was how gratitude journaling aided sleeplessness and blood pressure. When you focus on what gives you life, instead of all the things that take from it, you will literally sleep better, have lower blood pressure, and improve your functionality. A few tips on practicing gratitude: Keep a journal and jot down three to five things you are grateful for (as specific as “For the amazing sandwich I made myself for lunch,” or as broad as “The love and support from my partner”). You don’t need to make your list lengthly. Also, researchers noticed you get the most benefit when you treat this as a meditation as opposed to something you are checking off of your to-do list. AND you will get even better results if you do this daily, but starting by a couple times a week is a great place to start. 
   
4. VISION Suddenly, with room to look around because of Forgiveness, Focus, and Gratitude, you are able to see a full horizon of options. Prior to this, you were unable to see these options because of the many distractions that (unbeknownst to you) previously clouded your vision.  This new vision allows you to begin to see your true strengths and value them. Sounds simple, but is rare in practice, and while the steps are simple they require consistency. Practicing your vision means creating a detailed list of goals for yourself. There are many ways to go about this (i.e. creating a Vision Board or keeping a Vision List). It is important to keep this in a place where you can see it often. This way, you can continue to be accountable to yourself by honoring your goals. Beyond a vision board, we often recommend that you visualize what your goals are (i.e. if you dream of going on a tropical vacation, visualize the sand and the palm trees and who you would be with). 
   
5. MINDFULNESS Throughout these steps, you will become more in-touch with your own feelings, as well as others. Some clients will come in and explain that they are feeling “an emotional hangover”. This is fantastic news, because it means that the tools we teach are being practiced. This “hangover” is caused because we all often grow up learning how we are supposed to respond, instead of allowing ourselves to express how we feel in a healthy way. Suddenly, you are doing the work, and all of these stuffed feelings begin to come out. Soon, you are no longer overwhelmed by being in tune with your feelings, but they are welcomed. You are Mindful of how to properly express your feelings, hold healthy boundaries, and remain in a place of confidence. You are now able to have freedom in your feelings. Remember when we talked about choosing to forgive, and being fully responsible for your own feelings? Now you are there! The benefit side of the cost-benefit ratio is overfull.  
   
6. COMMUNICATION  Finally, now we are actively communicating as we learn what it means to have feelings but not be ruled by them. Boundaries are suddenly much easier to put in place. The awareness you have now offers you clarity, and provides confidence in handling whatever might come your way. ​True communication allows opportunities to grow where we have planted them.

We encourage you to practice these steps! If you have any questions or would like to schedule a free consultation with one of our coaches, you may do so giving us a call at 208.853.8888 or filling out the Contact Us form. 

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