How to Stay Focused After an Argument

by Ariel Minter

I’ve recently discovered that I am a chronic word-vomiter. 

This realization occurred to me after I had an argument with my husband. Now, this was not an earth-shattering, World War 3 fighting by any means. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was over a light being left on in the bathroom. 

Immediately after this fairly mediocre “conversation”, I wanted to call my Mom, my sister, my best friends…really anyone who was willing to listen to me, to tell them how ridiculous this was. Even though it was a tiny thing, I was frantically calling everyone to just have someone to tell. 

Now, I don’t know how good I am at dealing with analyzing my own bizarre behavior, but I am convinced that I do this not out of seeking support, but to simply get an opinion on if I was being completely ridiculous or if I had a good reason to argue. 

I’ve realized I’ve taught myself how to do this word-vomit instead of listening to my own intuition. Not only have I learned that, but I have also taken on this obsession with it. It’s like it is the only thing in my brain until I can vent about it to at least a couple of my closest friends. 

There are some pretty basic problems with this pattern. First, what happens between my husband and I needs to be sacred. There is nothing wrong with venting or talking about a situation, but it is not appropriate to be a word-vomiter every time someone forgets to switch off a light. 

Second, it is not okay to completely disregard my own intuition. I may not have all the answers, but I am certainly competent enough to process a situation as trivial as a passionate “conversation”. 

And lastly, something like this should NOT encompass every thought I have until there is resolution. It is so extremely important to be able to handle conflict without dropping everything that is in your hands until that problem is fixed.

Regardless of this argument or problem is with my husband or my best friend, I have found that I have the same reaction. I have to try and talk to someone else about it, and I have to have resolution. Otherwise I am a mess until one or both of those things happen.

I have found a solution to this pattern of behavior. Hopefully these small steps will lead to innate habits, and hopefully they offer you the same peace they have given me:

1. Wait 24 hours. This is a great time to lay that overly active imagination to rest and to calm down. Just because you had a fight with your best friend, does not mean they are trying to steal your boyfriend. Just because you fought with your partner, it does not mean the relationship is over. Realize that your thoughts are going directly to the dump, and in my whole life the worst-case-scenarios I have fabricated have NEVER happened. 
   
2. Trust your brain. I have this problem where my word-vomiting is my way of resolution. But this is the wrong way to handle it. Know that you are smart enough to handle it and that it can be dealt with at a later time, with you and the other person(s) involved.
   
3. Realize that this may not be a problem to be solved, rather a tension to be managed. Realizing that sometimes there is not a clear cut solution allowed me to be strategic in how I handled problems, and how I handled the outcome (or lack thereof). 
   
4. Have peace. We must be able to channel peace in our lives regardless of what else is going on. In a lot of situations, feelings just happen, but understand that you can choose to feel ANYTHING. You always have that choice.

Needless to say, my husband is really pleased with these four steps. Our relationship is valued with more respect, and when there is more respect in a relationship your intimacy can only grow.

If you have no idea if you fit in this cycle, if you want to find out where you fit in it, or if you want help in figuring out how to better handle this, join us for our workshop the first weekend of August “Who Are You?“

Also, no one really cares for word-vomiters. 
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Do you have any tricks for handling this kind of a problem? Comments are open and can be anonymous, and I would love to hear your questions, comments, or concerns. 
-Ariel

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